“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.” – Thoreau

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?” Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.  – Marianne Williamson

These quotes came to mind after listening to a friend of mine talk about her first big betrayal and break-up. All of us can remember how that feels, as if we were split open, lost, wondering what we did wrong, maybe even feeling that’s all we deserve. The problem is we have become so accustomed to looking outwards in order to define ourselves and gauge our self worth that we don’t see ourselves anymore. We measure ourselves against the illusive, perfect other and always seem to come up short. What we don’t realize is that the more we let others define us, the more we disappear. When we give others power over how we feel about our self, how we act, and what we think, we stop living our lives. We stop giving a voice to the song inside of us that sings the truth us.

The advice I wish I’d had when I went through my first breakup is to tune in. Letting who we are, and what we’re genuinely interested in, be the light that guides us. To shift our focus onto becoming the most interesting person we know. We do this by learning to listen to what we have to say, and how we really feel. When we follow our passions, and what has deeper meaning for us, we cultivate our authentic voice. By following a thread of interest, and digging deeper into the mysteries the world has to offer, we find what fulfills and sustains us. That’s how we stop playing it small, how we stop following what’s always been, and stop worrying about what everyone else thinks. We deserve to live more than just as a comparison to someone else. Following what we love and that which speaks to us expands our horizons and cultivates the richness of our true self. This may not fit with our previous plans, or satisfy those around us, it doesn’t have to. But it does need to resonate with us. By developing that inner alignment we tap into a deeper energy that brings us the gifts of wholeness.

Honoring who we really are acts as a beacon, and miraculously the people who appreciate us for exactly who we are begin to arrive. We find our family that’s been hidden out there in the world, and discover we don’t have to bend and conform to another’s wishes in order to be loved. We stop measuring our worth against another’s, and begin to measure ourselves against what we still want to do, and learn, and live. By tuning in we find the person we’ve always been looking for, our self. And when we find that, everything else that doesn’t nourish us begins to drop away, because it no longer holds any interest.

This is the secret of getting over the loss of love from another, we find our own deep and sustaining love for our self.

kb