“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” – Margaret Mead

Let’s start by clarifying that patriarchy does not equate to men, just as matriarchy does not equate to women. What’s meant is a societal structure which divides men and women into broad working groups, usually men working outside the home, and women within it. This set up works in many ways, it keeps the money coming in and launches the next generation. One of the main problems with patriarchy is that there’s little room for our individuality. Who we are carries little value in comparison to what we do. That’s because at it’s core patriarchy is more about things than it is people, and herein lies it’s greatest flaw. Because in the end things aren’t what matters the most, relationships are, the ones we have with ourselves and others. No one goes to their death bed wishing they’d had more stuff, they wish they’d had more love.

We know the immense damage the patriarchy does to women and to all those living outside its narrow confines, but in the end it doesn’t help men either. There is an insidious toll the patriarchy takes on each one of us, and if we’re not paying attention it’s going to steal the gifts we have to offer the world. This scene from the final episode of Mad Men sums up the problem perfectly. Super hunky Hamm is at a consciousness raising retreat in Big Sur, and everyone is sitting in a circle sharing their feelings. An older, balding man gets up and starts talking about his crappy life consisting in tirelessly working in order to make more money to support his family. He wonders if his family even loves him, or just puts up with him for the things he provides. He’s overwhelmed by how meaningless it all feels. What he’s looking for is connection, for love and acceptance of who he is rather than what he does. What’s missing is the depth and substance of his life, and then he cries, he comes completely undone. Of course in telling this story it’s also Don Draper’s story, and Hamm gets up to hug the guy and begins to cry too.

Unfortunately this is the story for all of us in one way or another. The dark trick the patriarchy perpetuates is making us believe we are not enough. Our worth is defined by what we do and have, not who we are. That’s because the end goal of patriarchy is not wholeness, it about producing more money, more stuff, and more people to consume that stuff. Seeking out the deeper values of life, connection, community, and the soul’s journey are ignored and devalued because there’s no place for them. This is how patriarchy kills our individuality, and why we have to spend so much time justifying who and what we are, instead of joyfully living it. Just like Don Draper, we are all looking to fill the void left by the mindless march to accumulating more. What we really want is to reclaim our inherent value.

Fortunately, each of us is also a solution to the problem. We are the fertile ground for change, because within each one of lives a unique vision for ourselves and our particular place in the world. We get to decide how we’ll live our life and can reconstruct it anytime we want. So if we don’t like what we’re seeing, we need to look within. The only way we can dismantle what we don’t want in the world is to dismantle that same structure within ourselves. What we need is the antidote to the patriarchy to live within us, and that means cultivating acceptance, compassion, community, nurturing, intuition, and connected cooperation.  All the things patriarchy lacks. Nourishing within ourselves what has been rejected in our culture is how we dismantle the patriarchy, and how we deconstruct our inner demons will tell us how we’ll help heal the ills of the world. There is no mistaking the stirring of the feminine. We are all being asked to give a voice to what’s been ignored in every area of life, and we each have a unique part to play. We all live within a patriarchal society, but we don’t have to let it define us.

Here’s to creating your own inner country.

kb