“One of the hardest things in life is having words in your heart you can’t utter.” – James Earl Jones

A good friend of mine and her husband are separating after many years of marriage. At first I thought how terrible, all that time, all those memories. Then she said it was quite amicable, they had both been talking about separating for years and now it was becoming a reality. Then I thought how perfect, there not faking it anymore. They are brave enough to do what they really want, even if that means moving on.

I think a lot of the time we don’t make a major decision because it’s just too disruptive or painful. We don’t have the money, time or courage, so we just keep going, maybe long after we are really getting anything out of it. It’s like inertia just sucks us in and instead of doing what is right we do what is easier. Until one day we just don’t recognize our lives anymore.

I think about how hard it is for me to ask for what I want even when I know exactly what it is. My inner critic is always judging, comparing, nagging. As a women I feel the pressure to nurture and comfort even if it costs me my authenticity. Sometimes I feel like I’m the biggest obstacle to getting what I want. I second guess if I deserve it.

So inspired by my friends bravery, I’ve looked at my own life. Where I am faking it in my own life and thinking about what I can do to change it. For me it’s an opportunity to reevaluate what I really want to do, and take some steps in that direction. A direction  that moves my life towards the things I am more passionate about, the things that carry a deeper meaning for me. Coming ever closer to finding my own unique expression.

The step forward is what all that preparation was for, all the dreams and desires that have been rolling around need that distillation. When you stop faking it your life changes. Even the smallest act in the right direction has it’s repercussions. Honoring what is meaningful in your life creates a more authentic life.

This outward move to make it tangible in the world is where the rubber meets the road. Did we really mean it? Can we live with our decision? Does it make us feel free? Does it make us feel more like ourselves? If any of this questions were answered with a yes, we’ve stopped faking it.

This is what I’ve been practicing, how to get what I really want into my life. It’s difficult. It makes me take a hard look at my life. I hold back, I mete out, but I do know I have to pay much more attention much more of the time. It’s constant, not static, not a single answer, but a constant reevaluation. Difficult times forces that reevaluation to speed up. These times show us what we’re really made of, they show us glimpses of the person we were meant to be.

Every time the road gets bumpy I pay more attention to the bumps. They point out where I’m faking it. It’s so uncomfortable, but that discomfort is the sign I’m looking for. It means I’m on the right track because the flip side is when we deal with the discomfort, all its gifts come to light. All those things we couldn’t see when we’re not being real.

There’s no faking out life, here’s to being brave enough to follow what’s true for you.

All love

kb