I had a dear friend call me fearless the other day. It made me stop and do a double take. This is not a word I would use to describe myself. In fact I would say I battle against doubt, fear, and anger all the time. Sometimes they run roughshod over my life and other times I feel them and just do what I need to anyway.

This is the situation I find myself in now leaving one life to begin another. I’ve been working this job which began as the promise of a brand new life. My husband and I moved across country for this job. But it was not what was promised and this beautiful dream disintegrated into a nightmare toxic environment. I was so supportive of my husband leaving but not myself!!! So crazy isn’t it? I withhold from myself, joy, peace, delight at what I am doing. After slogging it out for months in this depressing environment I began to see what was really going on and I gave my notice.

This is what people are talking about when they say, “feel the fear but do it anyway.” It’s scary. I don’t have another job lined up, I don’t know what’s going to happen, but I can’t stay in the same place. But now that I am closing that door I am starting to feel the freedom, instead of the weight of working with people who knock me down. (Although there were a few lovely notable exceptions there.)

Now this part of my life is over. It’s not just the job and people parading as my friends, but also an old way of doing things. It’s like shedding a skin. I am letting go of all these old ways of being and doing. I’m making room for something new to come. And certainly that transition is scary, letting go of what had worked and not yet being settled into what’s next. But I am beginning to follow my own vision of my life and all the things I want in it. And that has been completely liberating.

When there is no life or energy in what we fill up the hours of our days with, it slowly kills our soul. It leaves us with no hope or excitement about our life. There is more. And even if we don’t know exactly what it looks like, we still have t’s still to look.

So it’s over and I am left to begin creating the life I really want to live. I guess that is kind of fearless. Thank you dear friend for pointing it out to me.

Rumi says,

Let yourself be silently drawn

By the stronger pull

Of what you really love.

Here’s to finding more ways to be fearless!

kb