… How was I to know
it would begin this way: every cell of my body
burning with a dangerous beauty, the air around me
a nimbus of light that would carry me
through the days…
an ordinary woman who could rise in flame… – Dorianne Laux
A while back when I still lived in California I went to a writing retreat at Esalen. One of my favorite poets, Dorianne Laux, was leading it and in an afternoon workshop a woman shared a poem she wrote about her path of complete disintegration after losing her daughter. I’ll never forget the line she wrote about walking into the fire, her metaphor for surrender, what had been her life was now over. I also remember the energy in the room dramatically shifting with those words and the absolute despair they conveyed. At the time I wasn’t much interested in death or surrender, I was more concerned with figuring out the deeper truths of love, although now it is clear how much they all have in common. Surrender pulls us towards the fire, there we release our wants and wishes and trust what remains. Relinquishing expectations, all we’ve held onto, and everything that’s held us down finally loses its power, and we burn down to the ground, left only with what’s essential. Lately it seems I can’t escape the blaze.
The more experience we gain the hotter the flames get. If we’re paying attention we see the fire’s always been there, begging us to come closer at every turn. We do have a choice, we can ignore it which dampens the flame, or acknowledge it, meaning we walk straight into the fire of our personal devastation with our eyes wide open. This is perhaps one of the most powerful and transformative experiences we can have, because consciously walking into that devouring flame means we are ready for the potential consequences of our lives, what we love, and all that is familiar, going up in smoke. It’s inevitable to come to a point where the life we’ve been living doesn’t quite fit the way it use to. The fire asks us to decide what’s next. Burning down to the ground happens in the face of our greatest fears, we surrender everything we are for the possibility of who we might become. This is a death-defying feat but absolutely necessary if we are to come through this mysterious metamorphosis and rise like a phoenix from the ash. Unflinching honesty is required, anything less will not survive the flame.
The death of a child, drug addiction, divorce, or losing a beloved parent all require walking straight into the fire with no plan as to what happens next. Life happens. An unexpected turn, an unusual answer, the rebirth of our self, these are the unexpected ways of healing a good burning down can bring. Do we let the blaze consume us or reshape us. Do we rise? There are difficult questions that want an answer, an answer only we can give when we arrive at that particular crossroads. My hope is we all choose to honor what’s next, to embrace what’s on the horizon, and look at what begs to be seen. Because being beaten down by unexpected endings, then getting up again to regroup and heal are all part of the mysterious cycle of growth.
Let the fire come, what remains will be real.
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